Queer, Version 2.0: My Re-Coming Out

Happy National Coming Out Day! Today is also my Re-Coming Out Day!

I almost did this two years ago, but I wasn’t ready yet. Today is a big day for me. Thank you for being a part of it!

Today, I am proud to come out as queer, but I am affectionately calling it “Queer, Version 2.0,” the revised and expanded edition of my already expansive queerness.

I find it necessary to update my software once in a while.

The truth is, I haven’t identified as “gay” in a long time, but I continued to use the term because it’s what most people are familiar with. That changes today.

I’ve been through a long process of analyzing and rejecting labels for several years now, and that was one thing I took a long, hard look at (pun intended).

My primary attraction is still to penis-bodied or cisgender men, which has been the case since I was about 12 years old, so that is probably never going to change.

I have also had really amazing relationships with trans men, all of whom (thus far) have not had any kind of bottom surgery, and I love their beautiful sex organs too.

Not all men have penises, and not all people with penises identify as men.

I’m still working on finding the right language that is authentic, inclusive, and respectful. I have been thinking about it for a long time, as well as asking for the feedback of friends, all of whom gave me very valuable insight.

I believe that the best description of what I’m feeling is this:

I have mostly non-heteronormative sexual and romantic attraction to male-identified and/or penis-bearing individuals, including cisgender, transgender, and nonbinary people of any sexual orientation.

I feel that this accurately describes the diverse possibilities within my sexuality and covers many different configurations of people without having to go into a detailed list.

I want to fully embrace all my sexual and romantic attractions and live my truth instead of feeling like I’m locked into a category that limits my ability to connect with other human beings.

“I just like Queer because it encompasses lots of different things without being too specific, so I don’t have to feel pinned down to any particular label or relationship model.”

I felt like trying to be “gay” was suffocating me. There’s nothing wrong with being gay—gay means happy, and everyone deserves to be happy!—but I felt like the term was pigeonholing me and holding me back from exploring my feelings and living authentically.

“Pansexual” didn’t quite fit me either. “Pan” means “all,” and I’m not necessarily sexually attracted to all genders. The only kind of Pan I am sexual for is the Horned Lord of Arcadia.

Likewise, “bisexual” was unsuitable for me. I know a lot of awesome, sexy bisexuals, but the term doesn’t resonate with me personally.

I have always loved the slogan that Margaret Cho used several years ago: “I’m not bi, I’m I.” I feel that those words still ring true for me today.

Another term that was mentioned to me recently was “polysexual,” which is a term I had come across before. “Poly” means “many,” and I am sexually attracted to a variety of genders and sexual expressions, so this is a little bit closer to what I’m feeling, but…

I love language, and I love that we live in a world where the language of gender and sexuality continues to expand and evolve. But I find that having too many labels permanently affixed to me causes me a lot of anxiety.

I just like Queer because it encompasses lots of different things without being too specific, so I don’t have to feel pinned down to any particular label or relationship model.

I am here, I am queer, and I am human.

I am a queer human.

I am humansexual.

My pronouns are he/him/Sir/Coach.

I am also a proud masturbator and solosexual.

This is who I am today, and these are the words I am most comfortable with.

It took a lot of strength to share this today. I spent a long time trying to find the right words to express this, and I’m still not sure if I have it right.

I’m working on figuring out the language as I continue to explore these feelings and open myself up to pursuing different relationships with different people.

I’m in a very vulnerable place right now, and I thank you all for being kind and supportive.

I’ve been on this planet for four decades, and honey, let me tell you, this “coming out” shit never gets any easier.

The future is exciting and scary, but I continue forth with love. Always.

Please remember that no one can dictate who you are. You are not defined by other people’s expectations or opinions. The only person who can determine your sexuality is you!

And in the process of being true to yourself, please remember to also extend that same respect, compassion, sensitivity, and support to others who may be on a very different journey than you.

I love you!

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“I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show

There’s a new me coming out and I just have to live
And I wanna give, I’m completely positive
I think this time around, I am gonna do it
Like you never knew it, oh, I’ll make it through

The time has come for me to break out of this shell
I have to shout that I am coming out

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I’ve got to show the world all that I wanna be
And all my abilities, there’s so much more to me
Somehow I’ll have to make them just understand
I got it well in hand and, oh, how I have planned

I’m spreadin’ love, there is no need to fear
And I just feel so good every time I hear

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
I got to let it show

I’m coming out
I want the world to know
Got to let it show”