Outercourse for Egalitarian Intimacy
When someone enthusiastically describes the deep connection they experience during penetrative sex, I totally understand why that type of intimacy is so powerful for them, and I can relate based on my own experiences.
However, I find that the empathy and understanding are not always mutual.
When I describe the deep intimacy I experience from outercourse, or non-penetrative sex, it is sometimes met with confusion or resistance from penetration enthusiasts.
For me, outercourse is a much deeper physical, emotional, and spiritual connection than penetration. One of the reasons I feel this way is because it is a much more egalitarian sexual dynamic.
Let me reiterate that I’m not anti-penetration at all. Intercourse, or penetrative sex, is an amazing experience for many people.
How people like to fuck is inconsequential, as long as it’s consensual and pleasurable for everyone involved.
But it is also important to recognize that there is an inherent power dynamic in penetrative sex that can easily become skewed.
One person is inserting and the other is receiving, which may be accompanied by narratives of domination and submission, as well as stereotypical gender roles.
We must also address the elephant in the room: the weaponization of the penis throughout history and the perpetuation of rape culture in our modern society.
Penetration can sometimes carry connotations of violence, which may be deeply traumatic for the receiving partner, especially if they are a survivor of sexual assault.
It may also be true of the penetrating partner, as he may worry about being perceived as a sexual aggressor, even within a consensual container.
“Outercourse is a pretty radical concept because it challenges those penetration-centered narratives and disrupts their inherent power structure.”
That’s not to say that power dynamics are absent in outercourse.
Earlier this year, I published an article about how men who engage in non-penetrative sex can also identify with the roles of top and bottom. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Additionally, there are also plenty of cases of non-penetrative sexual assault. Frottage in particular has a complicated history, which I plan to address in a future article.
Nonetheless, it remains true that if there is at least one penis involved, the sexual scripts are usually centered around penetration.
Mandatory penetration as the defining sex act is rooted in phallocentric heteronormativity. Acts of pleasure without penile penetration have historically been dismissed as inferior, or “not sex.”
In particular, lesbians, vulva-bodied people, and intersex people, as well as acts of masturbation in general, have all been targets of this scorn.
Therefore, outercourse is a pretty radical concept because it challenges those penetration-centered narratives and disrupts their inherent power structure.
For couples, removing the element of penetration can drastically shift the sexual dynamics, especially if penetration is usually their default.
Outercourse can help level the playing field.
As I’ve mentioned in several articles, Dr. Joe Kort coined the term “sides” in response to the “top” and “bottom” narratives centered on anal penetration.
As a self-identified side, I have always enjoyed the term because, in my opinion, it implies that we are “side-by-side” as equals.
For me, the prime example is cock-to-cock frottage and mutual masturbation.
There is an energetic synchronicity that often takes place between men who engage in this type of sex, as our bodies may fall into a natural rhythm, and we become entranced in mutual bliss.
We are face-to-face and heart-to-heart, kissing passionately, or lips barely touching, lingering close together in anticipation, moaning or breathing heavily.
We gaze into each other’s eyes and goon out together in our prolonged and heightened state of pleasure.
Cocks, hearts, minds, lips, and eyes are all aligned.
For me, that is the epitome of deep intimacy and erotic alchemy.
❤️ = ❤️